Written by: Trymr translated by: Profossgbg (Please note that Trymr talks about getting in to the Swedish subculture of BDSM, it can be very different in other countries. The F stands for fetishism, and the abbreviation bdsmf be used, for example, in the RFSU/red)
Are you new in the world of BDSMF and may not know really that mush? Well, then you’ve come to the right place! In this text I intend to cover how it can be to be new here, how the world can look and what one might think of.
So you have found a new and exciting part of yourself. What happens now? When one ”seen the light” one is the best missionary, you often want to talk with everything and everyone about it, everything at the same time as this is a sensitive or even a scary topic to bring up. It can in the worst cases lead to serious consequences of various kinds. People can sit on all sorts of different prejudices, large and small. So how do you do now?
A solution that I think is very good is to meet like-minded people, people who actually are in the same situation as yourself. We are everywhere in all different parts of society, and meet occasionally for a coffee, picnic, and a party. In some cities, there are even clubs for this. And there somewhere is where the most of the uncertainty is starting to pop up, to go to such a club. Is it not very strange people who goes to places like that? Doesn’t people have sex, wherever? Will I be forced or pressured to do something? Are not such places dangerous?
The short answers is no, with a maybe, but we will check on that later on. I thought I would write a little bit about how you can do to meet those like-minded people and at the same time tell a little about myself and my journey into this world. One of the first things you notice is that many, possibly even the most use nicknames, or so-called nick (after the English word nickname). This is not just to seem cool or special, it has an actual purpose. My nick is Trymr, after the prehistoric, Nordic, giant, I live in Gothenburg and have been a part of this world for several years. I think most people see me as pretty experienced at this point. But we’ve all been new at one time and I hear very many new to say that they would never dare to go on any social meeting, or club themselves. But it was precisely what I did.
My very first date was a picnic in Slottsskogen, a park here in town. During several years before my sexuality had started to develop in this direction. The idea that I indeed would never be one of those ”those who are into bondage and stuff like that” was replaced with the realization that I actually had fantasies of a very degrading kind. A little game was tested with a girlfriend, then a bit more with a different partner. Finally, I met a girl who had a little bit more awareness of what it was and noticed that I was something of a dominant sadist. One day she said ”Huh? Don’t you have an account on the Darkside?” So I got an account on the darkside.se, an online forum for us interested in BDSMF in Sweden/Nordic countries. Check out if you are curious. Fetlife.com is an international community which is also good.
On that webpage I saw that it was beeing organized a picnic in Slottsskogen, so I braved the uncertainty and went. I went to the black balloons, which would be the hallmark of the group and was greeted by pleasant and friendly people. We did not know each other, so the conversations were not always completely fluent, the way it tends to be with completely new people. But when I told him that I had never been on a such a gathering before they became so excited about that I had come and hoped to see more of me. ”So you have not been on Sesam or Framsidan either?” A few hours were spent there, I got to see my first shibari bondage there on the grass (bondage with rope, can be very artistic and beautiful) and I heard they were the places mentioned are a little bit more. Afterwards I looked them up online and noticed that Sesam were very close to where I would move and they used to have evenings were one just came to mingle over a cup of coffee .
There I went all by myself, again, soon after I landed in my new apartment. I needed to call to get the address and I went into the dark alley where it was and was greeted by a grid port with a staircase inside that led down to a basement. A red button sat at the door, chime. As you may understand I was quite nervous. This was very exciting! I rang the bell and were let in side. With very appropriate decor I stepped into the Sesams premises and became happier with each step I took. No one I had met in the park Slottsskogen was there, but it did not matter, I became even warmer met there by the beautiful hostess. I quickly got to shake hands with many, including the owner of the place. Everyone seemed happy to have me there. With a coffee and bun in hand, I got to sit and talk about who I was and how I had found the place. They said that I was very brave for daring to go there by myself, that it is not many that do, and then showed me even the rooms for sessions, not used now when it was just the cafe and not the club, which made me a little nervous, but I still felt at home very soon.
A common theme in this story is that wherever you will go in this world there is always the most humble and friendly people you ever met, because, the thing is that they understand how nervous it can be to go to such a place and how one’s sexuality can sometimes be a whopping secret one must bear.
The world outside can be very scary. Unfortunately, there is not plenty of intolerant people, misunderstanding and ignorance regarding BDSMF and it is primarily why these clubs exist, and social gatherings are organized. It is also why we often prefer to use the nick, so that we will be able to write online and talk with each other without any basic possibility to identify a person by ones name. In that way, ones sexual preferences and activities are kept if one want to keep them a secret.
Another reason these clubs exist is that some forms of sessions sometimes may require some equipment, things that may be too expensive or take up too much space to have at home. So, even though many fantasize about having your own little dungeon at home, so is the clubs ‘ session rooms often the best places for such. To such a club night, I went and at this point I had got to know some people who used to go there, the nervousness was not really as present this time. But the session rooms would still be used this evening and I had seen how they look, so many images went through his head. Certainly, everyone is friendly all the time, but what is actually expected of me, there? What will I see? And will I be exposed to something I am not entirely sure about?
It actually turned out that they usually have very clear and strict rules for what may and may not happen at such clubs for everyone’s safety and security.
In addition to the terms of common courtesy, be nice to each other. After having learned the rules, I felt pretty safe in that no one would expose me for something I did not want. And in terms of expectations, some that go to clubs and have done so for several years does not sessions at all, but just want to be a part of the atmosphere, while there are others who come there only to have sessions. No one expects anything of you, they only hope you have a nice evening. Also, if one lives out their sexuality, there, no one expects one to be an expert at what you do either, just that you do it safely and are taking care of each other. So everyone is friendly, the rules protect you from doing things you don’t want to and no one expects anything of one. How is it with the last question, have people sex, wherever? What will you see? And the answer is that you can actually get to see a lot. Some clubs have a session rooms where one can close the door and not all the nights have a lot of sessions, but go to a BDSMF-club, the odds are high that you can get to see and hear a lot.
I would like give some extra advice for those who are new in the BDSMF world. Say you meet someone you really like and that person likes you. What should you think about and how different is it from the world of vanilla? So how do you do? The first thing I would check for in a potential sexual partner’s is sexual compatibility, this is done most appropriately by talking with each other even if it feels nerve-racking. A tip is the list of kinks, simply that you have a list where it says what you like and don’t like.
So, how do you know if the person is something to rely up on? Will the person respect ones limits? For this you need to both talk with each other, socialize and get to know each other. Time to jump in the bed? No, not quite yet. Depending on what you want to do, it can be very helpful to agree on a safe word. And, of course, depending on what you want to do, make sure to protect you from STDs. Please be specific with what you want to get out of it, no one is a mind reader. And always make sure to take care of each other, before, during and after!
So, after reading my story, I hope you feel a bit more ready to embark in world of BDSMF. Do you want to talk with the people who know what it is about, go to a social gathering… The people in this world are often very friendly, welcoming and provides a space to develop at one’s own pace. Make time to talk with some of the seasoned persons before you are off to a club, so you do not get yourself a shock. Be very careful in not exposing another person’s sexual preferences, and never talk down about someone’s sexuality. Do you happen to have a sexual partner, take care of each other? Do you do this, there should not be any danger for you and I welcome you!